Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
