just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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