Just mADE A PArabola og urine
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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