Are we in a gay sports bar?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
