Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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