i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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