I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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