I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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