So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
