If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just gift wrapped bread.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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