I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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