Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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