whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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