I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
