New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
