Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
