yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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