So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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