Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
