i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
