Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
