Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
