I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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