you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
