Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
