Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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