I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
