There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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