Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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