I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize