I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
honey bunches of taint.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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