Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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