I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
