whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
