OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
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