Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
