I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
