You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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