I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
