why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
