if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
