I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
