So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
