I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
