So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
