i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
