you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
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