I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
