I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
