so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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