Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize