Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize