he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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