i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
