You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
