I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
this is an emotional support booty call
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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