I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
