My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
