I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
